drains...ouch.

One week post-surgery…  Ow.  The worst part at this point has been these damn drains.  I know I’m not the first to complain about them;  it seems to be a recurrent theme and it’s no wonder!  They are getting pretty irritating.  The tubes and holes in my skin have been there for over a week now and while they are taped down, they do tend to move and just feel weird.  My next appointment is on Tuesday so I hope to get at least two of the four out. I have to measure the output daily.  They are slowing down so that’s a good sign.  I am still bruised and sore from whatever was involved with the removal of tissue while under anesthesia.  I can only imagine it wasn’t a gentle process. Still no word on toxicology.  That was supposed to be about two weeks so I have a little time yet to wait. Yay. More of that virtuous patience that I possess. Overall, the pain has been pretty bearable, but the physical and endurance limitations have been frustrating.  I am much more tired than I expected to be or have the tolerance for. I am not a napper, but when my body shuts down I have had to adjust and succumb to the not so subtle message my body sends me.  I have decent range of motion. I can do my own hair and get dressed which is actually quite exciting.  I am stubbornly independent.  As a result I tend to get tired and sore. You don’t realize just how much you use your chest and core muscles just for everyday activities like just readjusting in a chair or pulling up your pants. After too much exertion my chest muscles tend to seize up and breathing becomes a bit painful just because of the chest expansion.  So I have to remind myself to take it slow.  I feel OK for a good while then I pay later.  All complaints aside, I really do feel like I am fortunate to be recovering well. 

Mental state….epiphanies at his point? As someone who tries to find a lesson in the midst of many of life’s curveballs, processing this one has been interesting as my perspective has evolved over the years.  What I’ve surmised:  most people are genuinely concerned for the welfare of others which is heartwarming.  Despite my often cynical view of people; each has his own set of life experiences, but when it comes down to brass tacks, people care.  People are curious but are afraid to ask questions or offend; and curiosity can be a blessing and a curse.  People fear the unknown and the potential of threats that are beyond their control. Fear can immobilize or inspire. If I can be an open book, a source of information, or inspiration, I may have begun to establish a purpose.

I have read others’ stories and blogs and have heard that tragedy for many has in some way been a “gift”.  I respectfully call BS.  A gift is a pretty, thoughtful keepsake.  The lessons learned as a result of tragedy or challenge may be viewed as eye opening, or life altering, but the tragedy itself – no, not a gift.  That’s crap.  If I could give it back I would, and if I could re-gift it, I wouldn't.  I will learn from this and hopefully others will too.  I can reframe it and consider my “situation” a learning experience and chapter title, it’s not a tragedy.  This too shall have a resolution but I have yet to determine the moral of my story.  

So… feeling pretty good for now.  I can’t stress enough how insanely grateful we are for the wonderful messages and gestures of kindness and support – from family, close friends, acquaintances, colleagues and even complete strangers who relate to my situation.  I look forward to paying it forward and I hope others will consider more gestures of kindness too.  Maybe that’s the simple lesson and easiest way to start. Pay it forward and be kind.  Sounds easy enough.