It sure has been nice to feel like my updates are uneventful.

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I am about two months post my last chemo and am feeling great. I have almost full energy now and my blood levels are near normal. Reconstructive surgery is scheduled for Friday, August 8^th (YAY!)  I hope to be healing nicely and ready to roll when the new school year begins!  I think I am starting to behave like a teacher too. I SCORED at Joann’s clearance rack. Dollar items were 70% off so I hoarded stacks of goodies for 30 cents a pop. I’m stockpiling supplies in my basement; collecting ideas, resources and even décor for a classroom.  I will resume student teaching when school starts and plan to be finished with all requirements by late fall if I count my days right. I am so excited to get back in the swing of things and get this career rolling!

Details: (more for me than for anything because I reeeaally want to remember this) The tissue expanders are bizarre!  I get between 60-90 cc’s in each side at each fill which is about 2-3oz.  My plastic surgeon inserts a needle through my skin into a one way valve and squeezes in saline from a syringe.  They literally grow before my very eyes. The needle is not painful because I have no feeling in my breasts, but as the tissue and muscles tighten and stretch it becomes a bit uncomfortable. I am as expanded as much as I would like to be, probably even a little bigger and let me tell ya – these things are hard as rocks!  I wish I had a way to document the consistency. They truly feel like a sport ball of some sort --they don’t move at all, they give way to pressure but only slightly, and I am certain I would bounce if I fell.  I am told the implants are much more natural.  These temporary things are just doing their job and stretching tissue but they are so unnatural. They aren’t really painful but are more uncomfortable and annoying. I am looking forward to surgery so I can get a little closer to having normal anatomy. I will forever be without the “centerpieces” as I was unable to have sparing surgery, but I plan to have those details tattooed on later. There is an amazing artist in Baltimore that my friend Ann and I plan to use. Roadtrip, Anne! Can't wait for my very own trompe l’oeil masterpiece(s).

Summer is going great. We’re enjoying a nice blend of busy and relaxing. We were able to take a lovely trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina with amazingly generous friends (Thanks Corey and Angie!) We planned to visit my friend Amy for the long 4^th  of July weekend, but she threw out her back L  The Ludemans invited us to join them for a few days and we graciously accepted.  We felt the girls deserved a getaway too.  What a beautiful place – we had a fantastic  time! 

I am coordinating and teaching gymnastics camp for three weeks. So far it’s been a blast.  We have about 14 kids each week and we keep them busy! It feels great to be active, using muscles, and having fun with the kiddos --and my girls get to attend so it’s been a win-win. I’ll be doing some painting for the set of an Annie production for a local theater company and I am so excited to be doing artwork – you know I’m all about the therapeutic properties of art-making!

So I’m really just trying to resume normalcy. Life goes on. I am often asked, “So what’s next?” Well, I see my oncologist in a month, then three months, then six, then annually.  I find peace knowing I have done all I can do to insure cancer will not return.  I’ve done my part, my docs have done theirs, the meds theirs. I have my surgery and any follow ups for aesthetic enhancement, I see my docs when they send reminder cards, I wait patiently for my hair to grow back and I  live as though I am cancer free. That’s all I can do.  Am I afraid? Sometimes. Will it stifle me? Certainly not.

I am near completion of my action research project subtitled, A study of the effects of breast cancer on my self-efficacy as an educator. The paper is the product of an in-depth study of my process. This self-study methodology was super enlightening. I am attaching a link to a video accompaniment that I made and I hope you will  visit.  I thought most would prefer that to 30 pages of introspection!  In it I pose the questions, “What’s your problem?” and “What’s your pedagogy?” (the art or method of teaching) I hope it is thought provoking to not only my teacher friends and professors who will critique my work, but for all who may take the time to process how struggles and challenges define their way of living.  My basic messages is that while we all have problems, how we manage them is an indicator of our character and by finding ways to manage them we learn and grow.  Boy have I grown!

*Take a look at my video on youtube*  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHroRDrME7k

At Last

I wrote this a while ago and let it stay on my desktop for far too long... but since I wrote it I figured I should post!
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AT LAST...
Well, it’s been some time since my last blog and while I’ve been crossing milestones and collecting thoughts I haven’t put fingers to keyboard.  Today is the last day of school for the kids. The last day of elementary for my amazing little Delia. The last day of 7^th grade for my incredible Devin.  There have been a lot of notable “lasts” in the past few weeks and months.  I realize, however, that these lasts are simply mile markers along the road.  We take photos of the last day of school, on vacation, in the hospital, with a cast, with a loved one… some lasts are celebratory and some are heartbreaking; some are both.   Lasts however, don’t necessarily have to be the highlight of the era. The important part is to utilize these lasts as identifiers of a significant time. We may not remember the significance of the 73^rd day of school, but it may have been a tremendous day that will sadly go unnoticed and even pale in comparison to the last day of school. No photos, no Facebook status updates.  We would never know that a day spent with a loved one might just be the last day we spend, yet we often focus on that day.  “That was the last time I saw him.” 

I guess what I’m thinking today is that we should take a little more time to notice the in-betweens and give just a little less credence to the lasts.  My last chemo was May 15^th.  Alas it is nearly one month later. Certainly I will remember that day/date probably forever as an anniversary of an era – a mile marker if you will, and I will fondly remember the day more importantly because I spent it with wonderful friends whom I have known for decades. Additionally, I presented what I had compiled thus far for my action research project along with my classmates at school. I will remember the weeks and months leading up to the last day -- the thoughts, feelings and emotions as an organic, kinesthetic blob during this era in my life with helpful little date stamps along the way.  January 2^nd  diagnosis – last day of normalcy for a while, January 30th surgery – last day with boobs, May 15^th  -last day of chemo.  Yes, many lasts.  

 

Lasts give us a reason to gather, to celebrate, to remember so for this reason they are worthwhile and necessary, but I can probably guarantee that that last day of elementary school, high school, with that special someone, or while in good health is NOT the most noteworthy day of that particular time period, but can be better utilized as a time stamp… a page separator. Take time to savor the in-between -- the big sandwich with many layers of flavor and texture not because of the bread on the outside -- that just keeps it all together in a neat little manageable bundle.  The complexity of layers and flavors are what make a sandwich delicious – not the bread.

 

Maya Angelou who sadly spent her last day alive on May 28^th 2014 was quoted as having said, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”   I love this quote and use it because I agree that memories are linked to feelings and emotions. Fortunately we have photos and clouds to document and store our experiences, but what we carry with us is our memories.  I don’t know about you, but I remember feelings, situations, laughs, heartaches… I can’t tell you dates of many of the most enjoyable & memorable yet insignificant moments in my life, nor do I have photos, pamphlets, or programs.  Honestly the undocumented, non-noteworthy, gut-splitting, laugh until you pee your pants, cry until you’re dry, chat until the wee hours, play like you haven’t a care in the world moments and days are the most memorable for me. 

    

So no, I didn’t blog around the time of my *last day of chemo* but perhaps it was not as significant as it seemed it should be.  I have many more lasts and more importantly more what will become memorable days ahead.

Happy mile marker and end of a time period for many of my friends on this last day of school – I hope the year was enjoyable and you have many fantastic memories of insignificant dates to savor!  Love to all.

Health updates:  Feeling great, hair is growing back a little – looks like a kiwi, I started taking Tamoxifin – the maintenance drug that I will be on for like 5-10 years (no kidding).  I’m feeling stronger and overall pretty healthy. I resumed fills in the expanders and will hopefully have reconstruction surgery in the next few months.  The road to looking normal is the next phase – still wearing hats and penciling in my eyebrows, but I’ll get there.