here goes: April 2014

As I continue to journal my process, I commit to leaving myself open to critique. As I leave myself open to critique, I build confidence, strength, and peace of mind knowing that (I hope) I am making an impact, in some small way thus, I receive an indirect sense of accomplishment. I can’t measure the impact yet, but I plan to infiltrate many brains subliminally and assess the behavior of my loved ones ;) I’ve learned that a sense of accomplishment and influence is what I need to keep me motivated.

I hit kind of a slump, a depression if you will. I’m ok… been working on my self-help skills. I have identified, however, that this has been compounded by a lack of achievement or accomplishment, and is not simply because of a crappy diagnosis. I’m out of the classroom, can’t work with the kiddos, have to delay graduation… yadda, yadda, yadda…. I can’t do what brings me happiness (cheezy but true) and decisions were not my own. SO, in the meantime, I figured I could build my self–esteem and shake the depression by shamelessly posting photos of my plight and touting my ego strength. Please don’t feel obligated to tell me how amazing I am; this is all in the effort of sharing a situation, finding strength, and inspiring others - not to elicit an ego stroking. If you simply read and acknowledge, “Heck, I guess things could be worse.” Well, then I’ve made an impact. Or you’ve said, “Dang, despite that crappy deal, she’s still smiling. What’s MY problem?” Again, I’ve made an impact. Tell me that!! Thanks for letting me know I can rock a fedora and pull off bald better than Sinead, but how are YOU affected?! I DO appreciate the compliments; please don’t think me ungrateful! BUT, I want to know if my strength/outlook has inspired you, and more importantly - HOW? I want to get to a place where I can actually collect data and assess the impact I have had. So please… share!! Seriously, FB inbox me, email me, or post something. I would love to know if I have inspired you in some way. See, now this is worthwhile.

Updates: Chemo on Thursday 4/3 was ok. Two down, two to go. I had another amazing friend join me for four hours of therapeutic nonsense. Felt like crap on Saturday and Sunday. Again, the bone and joint pain were the worst. I was a little more nauseous, and “tossed” for the first and only time, but I think I just had too heavy a meal and it was just not sitting right. I am more tired than usual, but don’t think I have that sickly chemo look yet. My blood counts are ok thanks to the Neulasta shots; white counts were on the low end of normal and red/hemoglobin was a little below normal but not too low to require transfusions or fear being super immunosuppressed. My Onco will continue to monitor before the next treatment. The good news is that showers take two minutes, I’m saving a ton in hair products, and I haven’t worn a proper bra since January!

Friends want to know about the hair. You reaaally want to know. It went fast! Despite the embarrassment, I am reminding myself to be brave and share the process. It takes courage and strength, but why not put it out there? Learn from the pics, share if you want to, but don’t judge.

My hair started thinning about two weeks after my first chemo. In the shower, I would comb conditioner through with my fingers and be left with fingers full of hair. (see photos) I was shedding a ton. I filled a gallon sized baggie full of hair in three days. After a few days of that, I had Devin cut it to chin length in a spontaneous need for control. Yes, I allowed my 12 year old to cut my locks – it was that urgent. Curls are really forgiving and she has quite a lovely gift for hair artistry! She took off about 6-8 inches and left me with the thin curly bob. Next, my scalp started to show and my hair became super thin and scraggly. I told myself that when I started to look sickly, I would buzz. I wore a hat for two more days and then gave up – think Beetlejuice... it was that creepy. Hubby got out the clippers and took off the rest. I first went for the number two fade and decided that I looked like a coconut – not a good look. So, went for the buzzers and got rid of all of it. Took another shower to get rid of the itch, put on some makeup and a hat and rocked the look the best I could.

Observations: I really like hats and big earrings. I find the wig a little ridiculous, feel like a sideshow fortune teller in a scarf, and straight up bald is just too cold!

Insights: A needy ego isn’t my motivation for divulging, but a strengthened one is the unexpected side effect. If I gain strength, then thank you for allowing me to thicken my skin by being vulnerable. There is strength in vulnerability. Vulnerable and confident - cool coexistence. (Note to self: Research idea – teenagers and vulnerability?)

So what I’ve processed is that I am not necessarily down because of my diagnosis, or my surgery, or my bald head. I really think I’m ok with those things. I’m sad because I can’t do what I want to do and miss the sense of accomplishment that comes as a result. It’s the definition of accomplishment or internal/intrinsic reward that I need to reevaluate. People deal with loss all the time. How then do they maintain their optimism and stay motivated? I think it has to do with finding a purpose and mission. Maslow was on to something in his theory of human motivation-- 1943, huh? Pretty solid stuff. Look at this as it relates to social media: I am so pursuing self-actualization!

Maybe I’m being diverted because I have something I need to discover first. It’s all ok -- just a delay of game. In the meantime I will continue to pursue my purpose and work toward self-actualization.

What’s YOUR purpose?

So here is the chronicle of hair loss: